“I was told that the secret to a good speech is to start with something that's relevant to everyone in the audience. So here it goes - all of your cars have been stolen… (wait for laughs)

No, in all honesty, I’ve been feeling quite nervous about giving this speech for some time. But I’m pleased to say I slept like a baby last night – I woke up every two hours, crying my eyes out (wait for even more laughs)

Now to get serious, without all of you here today, it wouldn’t be the same… but it would be cheaper. Hey, money isn’t everything, right?? But I’m sure we can all agree it’s been an emotional day so far – even the cake is in tiers… (wait for guaranteed laughs and possible tears of joy)...

(Risky joke ahead)
To my Mother-In-Law. I need to be honest, I hate you… (wait)

Sorry, I meant I ate your desert!”
(Wait for an almighty cheer, handshake from Father-In-Law and possible crowd surf)”

Oh yeah, I forgot to say I’m getting married and will be OOO until XX/XX/XX.

But please can you rate my groom's speech out of 10? 10 being great.

Wish me luck,
(Name)